Making Friends with Ugly Emotions
A blog post from 27th April 2018
This one is for you if you have teenagers who are struggling to manage their emotions. This is also for you if you are struggling to manage your own emotions.
Lately, I’ve been working a lot with 6th form students who are heading into exam season and are struggling to cope with the pressure. Some of them are suffering with anxiety, some are not eating properly, some are even being prescribed medication to cope. This really saddens me, as I know in a lot of cases it really doesn’t have to be that way. With some education about what is happening in their mind and bodies when they are under pressure, and some simple practices used regularly to prevent the build up of stress, I see young people feeling reassured, more in control, happier and able to deal with even the toughest of situations.
So I want to share with you some of the ways I help them make friends with the ugly emotions, so that they can feel more in control of themselves and their lives. (and as I always say -if we want kids to happy, we have to sort out our own crap first, so this is for you too..)
Understanding the teenage brain
The teenage brain is going through a huge makeover, which affects the ability to regulate emotions, logical thinking, memory, planning, organisation, controlling impulses, understanding others emotions….. Basically everything we expect them to have a handle on because now they are mostly taller than us and can tie their own shoe laces.
So when a teenager is feeling overwhelmed by their workload, or is upset by something their friend said, or is struggling to organise their study time, or is having a meltdown because they feel like nothing they revise is sinking in, or they just seem impossible to reason with – we can blame it on their brain! Their prefrontal cortex that’s responsible for making rational, logical decisions, empathising with others, thinking through consequences and calming them down is still under construction and temporarily out of order. Which means that the impulsive, emotional, paranoid, fear centre known as the amygdala is often left running the show – explains a lot right!
So I say ‘blame their brain’, but actually when I explain this stuff to them they breathe a sigh of relief and find it hugely reassuring. A lot of the time, young people feel like there is something wrong with them, that they are the only ones who feel anxious, paranoid, overwhelmed and unable to cope. A little bit of information and education can give them something else to blame so they don’t blame and beat themselves up for not having it ‘all together’.
So now that they understand this and know that their brain is going through a temporary makeover, there is light at the end of the tunnel and because their brain is going through all these changes anyway, this is the perfect time for them to learn the skills to manage it.
A great book about the teenage brain ‘Blame my brain’ by Nicola Morgan
Breathe, breathe, breathe
I know….. we all know how to breathe, we’ve been doing it since the day we were born, but we totally underestimate the simple power of our breath and how it’ such a great tool for helping us regulate our emotions. When we get stressed or our fear centre is running the show our breathing gets fast and shallow and our ‘fight or flight system’ kicks in. By focusing on our breath, slowing it down and exhaling fully we activate our ‘relaxation system’ which tells our brain all is ok and there’s no need to panic. Try this 7/11 breathing exercise, simply breathe in for a count of 7 and breathe out for a count of 11 (it doesn’t matter how fast/slow you count as long as the out breath is long and full). By doing this in those times when our amygdala has hijacked us you are giving the rational ‘prefrontal cortex’ chance to catch up and take over again = a more calm rational human!
This takes practice and the more often you can practice it and make it part of a daily the routine, the more balanced and regulated you will all become. Just 1 minute at the start of the day, or when you’re making a cuppa, or when you get into bed could kick start a great habit.
There’s no quick fix for dealing with stress, anxiety and other ugly emotions, we have to be prepared to face them and do some daily maintenance, and if we can do that then puts us in the best place to handle all the stuff life throws at us.